


A Secret Best Kept

by Paxntrix



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dean & Cas - Freeform, Dean & Castiel - Freeform, Destiel - Freeform, Fluff, Heartbroken Sam, Love Confessions, M/M, My First Destiel Fanfic, Oblivious Dean, Profound Bond, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Unrequited Castiel/Sam Winchester, Unrequited Crush, dean/cas - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-25
Updated: 2015-05-09
Packaged: 2018-03-25 16:02:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3816445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Paxntrix/pseuds/Paxntrix
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean and Castiel are slowly falling for each other, with their longing gazes and wary touches, it is only a matter of time before even they figure it out.  Unfortunately that means time is running out for Sam who is secretly pining over Cas.  Just hearing the gravely voice muttering  “Hello, Dean” is enough to put him on edge.  Yet it was always “”Hello, Dean” never “Hello, Sam”.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. How it all began

**Author's Note:**

> After powering through the first 5 seasons on Netflix, probably faster than is healthy, the idea for this fic just would not leave my head. That being said, this is the first time I am posting anything, and even so I am generally more comfortable with one shots so this is another first for me. Also, I typed most of this on my phone, so thanks to auto-correct and general laziness on my part, there are sure to be some typos so I apologize in advance.

It really shouldn't hurt him as much as it does. In fact, he felt a little bit selfish about the whole thing. Dean had given up his childhood for him, sacrificed so much for him already. Why couldn't he just let him have this one thing? And yet, he couldn't help the intrusive thoughts that always seemed to plague him at the most inconvenient of times. Just hearing the gravely voice muttering “Hello Dean” was enough to put him on edge. Yet it was always “”Hello Dean”, never “Hello Sam”.

To be fair, Dean and Cas didn't even realize what they were doing to him. Hell, they didn't even realize what they were doing to each other. 

But Sam knew, he had watched as their relationship blossomed, watched as ever so slowly Cas began to see Dean as more than just the Righteous man. He was now _his _Righteous man, and the poor angel didn't even know it.__

Sure Dean had joked about it at first, that was his first instinct, kill any inkling that Cas made him nervous. Cas had made him uncomfortable, so he made jokes about Castiel and his inability to respect personal space. Cas had big beautiful blue eyes, that were always watching him, but he just pretended not to notice. Cas would drop everything if Dean called, but that is just what an angel _did _, it is not like he was _special_ or anything. Cas liked to watch over him as he slept, yep that was okay too, nothing weird about that. __

But after a while, Sam saw his eyes soften anytime Castiel was even mentioned. Dean had his own personal guardian angel, and he took it for granted. 

What Sam would give to have Cas on his beck and call. But no, he had made that mistake already. After he was brought back from hell, Sam had been more than just a little bit confused. That year that he had spent stupidly trying to give Dean a “chance at a normal life” had also meant that he was left to fend for himself. Not knowing where else to turn, he had hoped that Castiel could be there for him. Sure being a little bit in love with the angel could have been a deciding factor in his attempts to summon him. But what he got in response to his prays was a resounding NO, in the fact that Castiel never came. He called, and he called, but Castiel never showed up.

At first he thought that maybe he was busy. I mean being an angel of the Lord and all had to be pretty time consuming right? Okay, he gave him some time. Again he tried to call. Still nothing. Now he was starting to get worried. What if something had happened to him? Great. Now not only was his return from hell a big mystery, but Castiel was missing as well. After months of worrying, he finally gave up. Maybe it was for the best. 

If he never saw Castiel again, he crush would fade into oblivion right?. He could forget about Castiel and his sexy messy hair. Forget about his always crooked tie. Forget about his stupid trench coat. Forget about the sexily gravely voice that haunted his dreams. Ugh. This was going to be harder than he thought. 

When Sam had finally made contact with Dean again, it was no surprise that Deans’ first instinct was to summon Cas; sure like Sam had not been trying that every night for the past year. Sam had stupidly brought to Deans attention that Cas had not come when he called him. Stupidly made it known that he had tried not once, not twice, but hundreds of times to get Castiel to show up. All his prayers had been unanswered, and Dean just wanted to call to him like it was the easiest thing to accomplish. 

Naturally Dean assumed that there had to be logical explanation to why Cas had not answered his hundreds of prayers. Obviously Dean would assume that Cas was busy, and if that was the case that he would not come he if attempted to call him. Dean was oblivious to Cas’ favoritism towards him. But even if Dean was oblivious, Cas had not even tried to deny it. One smart-ass prayer later, and there he was. Castiel just showed up in the room like he had not been missing from Sams life for the past year. 

“Hello” he had said. 

That was it. One year of torture later and “Hello” was all that he was going to get.

The only explanation that Castiel bothered to give them was, “Well, we do share a more profound bond, I wasn’t going to mention it.”

And with that Cas had established Dean as his own, while subtly telling Sam to fuck off. 

Really that should have been the end of it. Cas was never going to pick him over Dean, he had made that perfectly clear. Which is why secretly pining over him was that much more pathetic.

He had tried to get over him, he really had. He tried to give Dean and Cas some space, tried to find ways to distract himself from their longing gazes and their wary touches. But the closer that Dean and Cas got, the more that his resentment grew, and really that was not fair to them.The more that he watched them, the more he realized that it was only a matter of time before even they realized what was going on. 

It had all started innocently enough. Sure Castiel was not up to date with the latest pop culture jargon that Dean tended to use, but Sam refused to believe that he was as oblivious as he pretended to be. Pop culture aside, he always pretended to not know of social etiquette to the point of standing just a little bit too close to Dean. Castiel was an angel of the Lord, he had been watching humans for centuries, Sam refused to believe that he had not picked up on a thing or two along the way. 

Besides the fact that people watching seemed to be Castiels new favorite activity, well to be more specific, watching Dean. He would also show up randomly, and immediately scan the room for him. If they were in a fight, Castiel searched the room for Dean right away, practically running to him to check him for any injuries. Little things that Sam knew Dean could handle such as a cheek graze, a dislocated shoulder, Castiel healed instantly. Dean was no different, while he knew that Castiel could smite anything that got in his way, that did not stop the frantic searching. His Green eyes desperately scanning for him, not losing their distraught appearance until Castiel was in sight. Only then, when they had made sure the other was safe did they look for him. “Hey, Sammy, you okay?” Dean would finally mutter. 

Don’t get him wrong, Sam could take care of himself, but it still surprised him the first couple of times that Dean didn't mind him right away. He knew they had an unhealthy relationship, that they were too dependent on each other. But they didn't know any other way. Ever since they were little John had left Dean in charge of Sam, and from that moment Dean had done everything in his power to protect him. Dean was still looking out for him, but he had a new type of relationship that he had to balance now that Castiel was here. 

That only made him feel ever more guilty. He knew that Dean would give up anything to make Sam happy. He would sacrifice anything to make sure that he was safe, but the one thing that Sam knew he would not be able to give up, is the one thing that Sam wanted the most.


	2. All the little things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No longer denying his feelings for Cas, Sam spends more time paying attention to him. What he had not expected, was to see just how close Dean and Cas seem to already be. What Sam would really like to know is if they know how obvious they are to everyone around them. He wants to know if they are intentionally giving each other bedroom eyes when they think no one is watching. If the gravitational force that seems to draw them together is really as strong as it looks, or if they are just intentionally making his life a living hell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am trying to figure out just exactly how I am going to end this. Poor Sam, his endgame is not looking good. I am going to guess that I will have one more chapter, just so we can see how things ends up for him. I am still typing it up on my phone, which is really annoying and results in a lot more grammatical errors than I would like, but fear not I will eventually go back and make some edits.
> 
> Anyway, I am not 100% decided on how I will end this, so if you have any suggestions or feel strongly about how it should end, don't be afraid to leave me a comment.

Having a firmly established crush on an Angel of the Lord, was something that Sam was not prepared to handle. With all the feelings that he could no longer deny,Sam began to notice Castiel, and therefore Dean, more closely than ever before. 

How had he not noticed the reactions that Castiel elicited just by popping into the room unexpectedly? 

“Dammit, Cas,” Dean would say jumping for what was probably the hundredth time, “We do have a phone, I know you don’t seem to be a fan of using them, but a little heads up now and then wouldn't kill you.” 

And just like that, Dean and Cas would start bickering in a way that just seemed so natural to them, almost like a sort of hidden flirting that Sam had been too dense to notice before. 

If he was being honest with himself, Sam should have known that this was coming. That it was only a matter of time before the brothers both liked something enough that they would fight for it. That being said, it was a fight that Sam knew that he would lose. A fight that he knew would be too big for even their dysfunctional family dynamics to bounce back from. But it is not exactly like Sam had planned for things to go like this. It is not like he was trying to think of Castiel in a sexual way. 

In fact, Dean was the first one to meet Cas. He was the one that introduced the angel into their lives. A little warning would have been nice. Just a small gesture or even a “Oh hey Sammy, there is a sexy angel in a trench coat with sex hair and an alarmingly attractive voice, try not to fall for him like I have,” and this all could have been avoided. 

Okay _fine _, so things probably would have played out exactly like they have now. They might even be worse, like Dean would actually talk about his feelings for Cas. He might have called dibs on him by now, and they would be all cute in public, instead of the disgustingly in love but in denial like they are now. No, this was good, this way he still had a chance. A small, almost nonexistent chance, but at this point he would take what he could get.__

__For what it was worth, Sam knows Dean better than anyone. He knows what it means when Castiel stands too close to Dean. He knows that Dean make a show of pretending that it makes him uncomfortable, but not long after Castiel is right back to invading his personal space, and Dean doesn't seem to mind it one bit._ _

__What Sam would really like to know is if they know how obvious they are to everyone around them. He really wants to know if they are intentionally giving each other bedroom eyes when they think no one is watching. If the gravitational force that seems to draw them together is really as strong as it looks, or if they are just intentionally making his life a living hell._ _

__Sam wants to know what it is like to have Castiel look at him with such longing. He wonders how Dean can function with Castiel practically pinning him against the wall every time he casually stops by. He wonders how Dean doesn't feel Cas tracking his every movement. He wonders what type of shit Dean would get into if Cas was not there to take care of him. How reckless he would really get, if he was sure that he had his guardian angel looking out for him._ _

__Then again, Castiel is not the only one. Oh no, Dean is equally as guilty of exhibiting almost stalker like behavior. When he thinks no one is watching, he spends just a little too long looking in Castiels direction. When they are not together, he will be constantly checking his phone for any news from Cas. On the rare chance that Castiel sends him even a simple text, he looks at it and smiles like a middle schooler in love._ _

__Oh Sam knows. He sees them look at each other, even if they refuse to see it themselves._ _

__Sam sees what Dean refuses to admit. He sees Dean light up when Castiel is around. He sees how they will gravitate towards each other no matter where they are. When they are sitting in a booth at a diner, by the end of their meal they are practically sitting on each others lap. When they are hanging out in a motel room, they are always within arms length, even when the whole room is free. He sees how so naturally they just seem to get closer and closer. He sees how hard Castiel tries to act natural. How Dean is fighting a losing battle of not being too obvious about his feelings for Cas._ _

__As time passes, what worries Sam the most is not what would happen if Castiel found out about his crush, but instead what will happen if he never lets it out. If he can hardly stand to look at his own brother, seeing him instead as an obstacle in front of Cas, how the hell was he going to handle it if they got together? If he cannot handle their longing touches, how the hell is he going to handle them casually holding hands? If he cannot handle his brother looking so stupidly happy around his guardian angel, he definitely will not be able to handle when Cas turns him down._ _

__Castiel is Dean’s, he has already made that perfectly clear._ _

__Sam heard him the first time, but that does not stop him for wanting to change it. Sam should feel guilty that he wants to take that away from his brother. He should feel guilty that he spends so much time imagining how much happier he would make Castiel. He would notice the subtle touches and awkward advances. He wouldn't bicker with him over such trivial things such as personal space and he might even find it kind of endearing that he wants to watch over him as he sleeps. He would notice all the trouble that Castiel goes through to try and fit in with them. Notice how hard he tries to keep them safe. But most importantly he would notice him, because at this point, he can never imagine himself not noticing him._ _


	3. All Good Things Must Come to an End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If only he had known his time was running out. No matter how much he had tried to mentally prepare himself, nothing was enough for what was about to go down. How Sam is stabbed in the heart, all while Dean is happier than he has ever be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry Sam, I was almost rooting for you, I really was.

As time went by and Sam watched Dean and Cas touch in a way that was definitely intimate, a peaceful serenity now in their eyes. _They had to know_ he thought to himself. 

“Hey Cas?” Dean called casually from somewhere in the bunker.

“I’m coming.” Cas responded automatically. 

While Sam was trying to pretend to look busy with research, Castiel followed Dean into the other room. Sam had tried not to look, tried to keep his mind busy with anything besides the awkward conversation that he knew was about to occur. 

It was no use, Sam got up pretending to look for a book in a bookshelf that just so happened to give him a glimpse through the door where Dean and Cas were now standing. Sam could see Dean, nervously moving his hands. He could see him trying to start a conversation only to open and close his mouth not having actually said anything. Dean rubbed his palms along his jeans, trying to find the courage to talk to Castiel. 

Sam tried to stop it, tried to ensure that he had just a little bit more time before Dean made his feelings clear. 

“Cas, want to grab something to eat?” He called from the other room.

No response.

“Hey Cas?” he asked just a little bit louder, the couple of seconds of waiting killing him on the inside.

“I am going to stay with Dean,” Castiel says loud enough for Sam to hear.

“Never mind, I will just order us all something,” Sam says a little too quickly, trying to save himself from the embarrassing situation he had just put himself in. 

\--------------

“Dean?” Castiel asks trying to pretend he doesn't notice all of the hunters awkward movements. 

“Are you alright?” he asks again.

“Are you injured? Do you need me to heal something?” he asks this time the concern showing in his face.

“I was just wondering if you remembered purgatory. I keep having these dreams, and…” Dean mutters the rest not looking Cas in the eye. He wants to tell him that he missed him. That he thought he was going crazy, seeing visions of him everywhere. 

“Dean, even given the circumstances of where we were, the time I spent with you in Purgatory consists of some of my fondest memories.” Castiel answers, his face softening considerably in an attempt to put Dean at ease. 

“Benny was always questioning me, telling me I was wasting my time looking for you. I could never explain it to him. How _off_ I feel when you are not around.” 

“There is no need to explain it to me Dean. And I am sorry for causing you so much turmoil, that was never my intention”

“But why did you go? Why were you always running? Where you running from me?”

“Dean, I…”

“No Cas, enough with the bullshit. I am trying to make sense of our friendship.”

“I do not wish to be your friend Dean.”

“Oh.” Dean said, obviously misinterpreting Castiel. 

As Dean is about to walk out, Castiel extends his arm and stops him.

“I am afraid I am not making myself clear Dean. As you are well aware, I have been watching humans for centuries. I have seen friendships, and that is now what I want with you. I believe what I want is a relationship…”

 

That is all that Sam was able to hear. He had to leave the room. He was almost hyperventilating. It was happening. It was finally happening.

Back in his own room Sam kept replaying the conversation that head had just overheard. He was ignoring the tears that were streaming down his face. He knew that he was being stupid, Castiel had never given him any indication of being interested in him. He had actually done the opposite, he had made his intentions towards Dean perfectly clear. 

Sam just wanted to run. He wanted to punch something. He wanted to go confess his own feelings. 

No, he couldn't do that. There was no way that Castiel would ever love him. Dean was the righteous man. Dean was the one that Castiel loved, and now he knew that Dean obviously felt the same way. 

Instead Sam squeezed his eyes shut. He tried to forget about any feelings that he had towards Castiel. But behind his closed eyes all he could imagine was Dean and Castiel. Dean and Cas as they lie chest to back. As they hold each other in Deans room, being happy just being so close together, doing what they have wanted to do since they first met. 

Sam can just see it now, the gravitational force that he had noticed not too long ago, finally going to full force. As ever so slowly Castiel encroaches on Dean's personal space. They would collapse on the bed together with their bodies pressed so close, their limbs entangled. Castiel would breathe in Dean's scent, play with his hair, with the warmth of Dean's body causing a smile to cross his face. 

They are going to sleep so soundly tonight. For the first time they are going to lay next to each other, surrounding themselves in a peace that neither knew that they were missing, but now that they had it, they would do whatever it takes to keep it safe. It is going to be the type of relationship that neither of them would ever admit that they had been secretly wanting, but once it began there was nothing strong enough to break it apart.

Sam did not want to think about it, but he could not get himself to stop. Any time he closed his eyes all he could see where images of Dean and Cas. Dean throwing Cas against the wall, pinning his arms over his head, leaving trails of kills up and down his neck. Cas and Dean pulling at each others clothes, trying to get even closer, completely oblivious that Sam was on the other side of the wall dying on the inside. 

By the time Sam had the courage to leave his room, Dean and Cas were comfortable seated on a couch, their hands casually interlocked. As much as he had tried to mentally prepare himself, the sight of the two of them so happily together practically knocked the wind out of him. 

“So Sammy...” Dean had started, a look of pure happiness spread across his face.

“Dean, if you are about to tell me that you and Cas finally got your shit together, forget it. I am surprised it took you this damn long to figure it out” Sam said, trying to keep the bitterness out of his voice. 

“Sam, we do not wish to make you uncomfortable” said Castiel in his irresistible gravely voice.

“Forget it guys, I am happy for you, I really am,” he said almost trying to convince himself more than anything.

How easily his world was completely turned upside down. How fast he went from having just a little bit of hope, to trying his best to just be happy for his brother.

As the days turned to weeks, Sam began to hold more and more resentment towards Dean. Instead of accepting his fate as the eternal third wheel, he could not help the feeling of helplessness that was eating him up inside.

He had tried, he really had. He would pretend to be tired and wanted to have more room to spread out and rest in the back of the impala. He would pretend to fall asleep in the backseat, while secretly he was listening to their secret conversations. He had to give it to them, they did really try to make him as comfortable about the whole thing as possible. They were not ones for PDA, in fact he rarely saw them any closer than he was already used to seeing them. That is probably what made it hurt the most. The fact that he only saw them when they were in their own world, the world in which only the other person existed. They would joke with each other while Dean drove and Cas had shotgun. They would hold hands, and look at each other in a way that made Sam's heart fill with rage. He couldn't take it anymore, he was not as strong as his brother, he was not as selfless. He was a selfish, inconsiderate jerk, and he wanted Castiel all to himself. 

Sam knows that Dean might even be stupid enough to sacrifice Castiel for him. Having never been one to keep a healthy relationship alive, if Sam mentioned that he was interested in Cas he knew that Dean might even give him up. That he would sacrifice himself yet again, to make Sam happy. But that was not enough, anymore. Just because Dean would be willing to give up Castiel for him, did not mean that Castiel would return his feelings. And at this point, he wonders if he could even make Castiel as happy as Dean seems to everyday.

When he finally decides to take so time for himself, and sneak away one night, he cannot help the nagging feeling that even by running away he is being selfish. So selfish that he is going to make Dean worry. That even though he has Castiel to keep him happy, he will wonder what exactly he did to make his baby brother leave without saying goodbye. But it has to be done, Sam is afraid that they will think that he is some kind of homophobic idiot, that cannot stand them being together, but it is not that. It is that every minute he is there watching their happiness unfold, it only manages to highlight the fact that he is in fact so miserable.

As he sneaks away he imagines the smile on Dean's face as he looks at Castiel. He needs this he thinks to himself. Dean needs it. It was his turn to sacrifice himself for his brother. His brother had been doing this exact thing for him, for as long as he could remember. If he could pay back even a fraction of all the good that Dean has done for him, it was enough.


End file.
